Happy Earth day

Dear Earth,

I regret to inform you that you have been diagnosed with a serious (and most likely fatal) condition.  This condition has no known cure and as far as we can tell, you have been suffering from it for thousands of years. It is however only in the last hundreds of years that the condition has critically worsened and we fear that you might have only a few more hundreds to live. (My less optimistic colleagues number your remaining time in the decades).

We do not as yet have a name for your condition for it is entirely unique to you; in our estimation, no other planet has ever suffered from it. It's most dominant characteristic is that it continues to spread throughout your body causing disease, aches and pains and that feeling of general malaise that you have been complaining of so much.

For now we use the name 'humanity' to refer to the condition, for it is these creatures called 'humans' that seem to be the main conduit for the spread of the worst of your diseases that we have named 'pollution'. It is therefore surprising, according to some of our latest tests, that these very humans could be providing you with some relief. We have observed, for example, that some of them do not pollute as much and others are even able to reduce pollution thus bringing you some much needed reprieve from your sufferings. We are working very hard to identify this unique behaviour in certain humans and perhaps find a way to convince all other humans to pollute less and tread more lightly on your body.

We beg that you hold on as we test our latest discoveries in the hope that their might indeed be a cure.

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